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When a woman is unable to identify emotional abuse, how and to whom can she describe it?

I am a 62-year-old housewife. My name is Trisha. It hardly matters what my name is. What does matter is that I was a singer with a bachelor’s degree in music and a music teacher in a reputed college. After my marriage with two kids in four years, I had to leave my job as my husband wanted me to take care of our kids. From a stage singer, I reduced myself to a bathroom singer.

My husband always used to shout at me for no specific rhyme or reason. Once when I was sobbing, my son said, “Why are you crying? At least Papa doesn’t beat you up!” Later, he told me that his best friend’s father would beat up his wife, so it was okay if Papa just shouts and does not raise his hand.

I developed high B.P., thyroid problems and peptic ulcer. I knew something in me was dying. At the age of 45, I felt like singing and started my riyaz. One evening, in a fit of anger, my husband broke my tanpura.

Now, for the last two years, I live alone. I am happy and enjoying the music I lost in that homemaker’s journey. My sons stand with me. I have started taking music classes at home. I wish I had realised my worth earlier but better late than never.

In most women’s organisations, ‘sexual violence’ or domestic violence gets great publicity. However, ‘mental torture’ or emotional abuse is not as prominent because other forms of harassment are ‘visible’, ea sily detectable and identifiable.

In my 15 years of counselling, we did not handle a single case of ‘mental torture’, a complex, painful, and unrecognised form of abuse that has no visible solution. A strategy of silence and non-communication is a form of violence. Rarely is the victim able to identify the problem and so it is all the more difficult for a third party to intervene.

Certain social, psycho-social and economical issues are involved. In India, a boy grows up internalising patriarchal views of male superiority. When he fails to acquire the desired status or prominence in his career, he compensates by trying to control his domestic life.

Another situation occurs when he enjoys a high status at work along with the sycophancy that accompanies it. The problem arises when he is unable to leave behind the ‘halo’ and ‘aura’ of the workplace. As a result he tortures his wife finding a sadistic pleasure in crushing her personality.

Constant compromise

Generally these couples appear to be very happy and fulfilled because women from comparatively conservative backgrounds gradually learn to adjust to every kind of environment. It has been deeply ingrained in her that a woman must learn to compromise.

When the woman gets used to the shouting and screaming, she does not see it as torture. When unable to identify her problem, how and to whom can she describe it? Over time, she begins to believe herself lacking and unworthy. And her self-esteem takes a nosedive.

If she raises the issue the response usually is “What has he done wrong?” Because there is no physical violence, everyone fails to recognise the damage caused by silent negligence or verbal abuse.

There is one significant difference between mental torture and physical violence. The aggressor in the latter case knows he has done wrong. The situation is just the opposite in the case of mental torture. Because the husband does not raise his hand or leave scars on her body, he does not bear the burden of guilt. Such men have a split personality.

As well-known writer Mannu Bhandari wrote about her celebrated writer husband in her autobiography: “As such there is a private and public face of every person… I do not know how many people are even aware of two aspects of their personality but Rajendra (Yadav) seems to be almost obsessed with it. The reason too is quite clear because there is such a vast difference between these forms (Rajendra is quite conscious about it) that the people familiar with his external form would never even believe that there is another person deep inside his personality which is extremely cruel, hardened, almost inhuman. This aspect of his personality has been borne by those who have been living under the illusion of being loved by him.”

Stress-related ailments

This kind of unidentified stress gives rise to a number of physical ailments. Some women suffer from asthma while others suffer from indigestion or acidity leading to unexplained loss of appetite and weakness. Piles, ulcers in the stomach, sinus, migraine all result from the negative effect of mental stress. Some women suddenly feel breathless and worry that they have a weak heart. Many opt for expensive investigations and tests but are disappointed when the results are normal. They are unable to link the cause of their sicknesses to mental stress or neglect.

Counselling a victim of mental torture is difficult. Rarely do outsiders come face-to-face with the man’s actual personality that the woman has been dealing with. Firstly such men never visit counselling centres even when called. When they do they wear the mask of being socially well placed and cultured. They insist that it is the wife who needs to change her attitude. Or they keep mum trying to project the opposite image of that projected by the woman.

Dealing with it

A woman needs to choose her own strategy to deal with mental violence. It is not enough to attribute it merely to her husband’s nature or environment or his traditional upbringing. It is also important to recognise and define the frustrations caused by this lack of communication. Economic independence does not succeed fully in changing this kind of violence, but it certainly enhances a woman’s decision-making power. Many equations change due to economic independence.

The first and most important thing is attaching maximum importance to the woman’s own existence or individuality. In Indian society, the happiness or sorrow of a woman does not depend on her own mood. It is determined by the expression on her husband’s face. The day she understands that her life and moods also have value or when she builds her own independent space, she will acknowledge her control over herself and things start improving.

People today often look down on a divorcee. Older women think it is better to suffer the excesses of one man and stay under his guardianship. In fact many do not even believe in an equal and loving marital relationship. Times have changed. Not every woman stays quiet forever. They have begun to recognise the phenomenon of ‘Silent violence’ or ‘mental harassment’. They have started exhibiting the courage to come out of it. They have begun to nurture their lost self-respect and existence.

The writer is associated with the Vasundhara Counselling Centre for Women and is based in Mumbai.

http://www.hindu.com/mag/2008/03/30/stories/2008033050010100.htm

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IN FIRST PERSON

Under a cloud of abuse